Fall Equinox Musings: Balancing Grief & Gratefulness

Fall equinox is a time of year that speaks to me.

I’ve never tried the fabled experiment of standing an egg up on the ground and watching it stay upright…but I love the idea that things like that can happen on this special day.

Balance

Years ago, I went on a few annual Reiki retreats in the North Carolina mountains over the Fall equinox.

It was a special sacred time of mountain mornings, fresh air, connection to nature, and a sense of community. It woke me up to what balance feels like.

What a lesson to be reminded of at this time of year!

Fall Equinox 2020

I’m not on a retreat today, but I’m still observing this day.

Today here in Charlotte it is cool and clear.

It was chilly this morning when I went into my backyard and wandered around noticing giant ladybugs on my garden vines, tiny spiderwebs in the grass, my own shadow on the fence amid a lacy pattern of morning light, and the triumphant leaps of the gray squirrels in the pine trees (their sense of balance defies logic).

It was the first morning I’ve been chilly in shorts and a tee shirt. I appreciate that. I’m ready for the shift to autumn.

This long strange summer is coming to an end, just like the long, strange spring did.

What Kind of Balance is Fall Bringing?

For me, dealing with grief and loss in bright, sunny, warm weather sometimes feels more difficult than during hazy dimly lit fall or icy winter weather. Maybe it’s that there’s so much intense, masculine energy in spring and summer - so much outer activity happening that inner reflection doesn’t come easily.

Of course, the losses that we all have been contending with during COVID-19 and in our personal lives were not ignorable during the spring OR summer of this unforgettable year.

But I for one, feel a long sigh of relief, an exhale, coming with the advent of autumn.

This season of endings, leaves turning and falling, longer nights, less sunlight…it feels like permission to really settle in to all that’s changed this year. All that’s happened.

Maybe that’s where the balance lies this year.

For all these past months that we’ve been bravely stepping out, trying and surviving…trying to make the best of things (honor and respect to those efforts)…maybe what can help bring balance now is this chill in the air.

Maybe balance will feel like an opportunity to wrap up in a blanket or sweater and reflect. To sip a mug of warm tea and mull over what we’ve been through.

Don’t misunderstand. I’m not advocating ruminating or going to a hopeless place.

Rather, my hope for Fall 2020 is a deeply rooted sense of balance. A catching of our collective breath. A slowing down.

Fall is a Time of Less Light

But what if the darkness takes over? What if these longer nights and shorter days just bring more despair?

What if the extra sunlight and warm weather have been essential survival tools for getting through these times?

Thoughts like that remind me of something I’ve encountered in my work as a grief counselor - the fear grievers sometimes have that once they allow themselves to cry about a loss, the tears will never stop.

Does it feel like that?

Is there a fear that as fall descends, and brings more darkness, that we may feel and reflect and then just break down and never stop crying?

Something my counseling training and grief counseling mentors taught me? There is a natural ebb and flow to tears.

Tears are healing and restorative and they follow an arc.

“No one has ever started crying and been literally unable to stop. Your body will know when it’s time, and you will stop crying.” That’s what the counselors shared in our grief support groups at Hospice, when I was learning as an intern.

It might be true for our situation too.

As we slow down into fall and reflect, we may indeed cry.

We may feel the grief more intensely.

But just as we trust the seasons to arrive on time, we can trust the flow and arc of our tears, grief and sadness as they surface..

What Balance May Consist Of

So, back to balance.

If fall brings a slowing…

…brings us closer to an ending

…brings less light

… brings environmental reminders of death and dying…

…brings opportunities to reflect on the grief…

Is it all just going to be a swing toward sadness?

I don’t think it has to be.

Fall is a season when we can embrace balance by reaching toward the light that is still there (always there, even in winter). Yes it’s weaker than it was in the summer. But it’s still there.

We can give thanks for the light that’s gotten us through to this point.

For the things, people, places, ideas that have nourished us throughout our life.

Or even specifically through the difficult spring and summer of 2020.

I’m talking mostly about gratitude.

Yes, fall is a time for gratitude.

Traditional holidays, harvest times and the like can all remind us of the good things we’ve been given (now and throughout our lives).

But the simple genuine reflection we do at this time of year can help us give thanks too. Without needing an outside prompt to do so.

Tiny Pieces of Gratitude

Personally, I’ve been reflecting lately on hopeful things - tiny things - I can do to cultivate balance between the grief of these times and the goodness of life that is always, always, always with us.

I’ve made a plan to write gratitude notes and cards throughout this fall season.

To my massage school for all they gave me as a foundation.

To a number of massage and counseling teachers who’ve impacted me deeply.

To employers and internships sites that gave me opportunities to hone my healing skills.

To loved ones near and far.

Even to my past self, who survived so much to get me to this present moment.

Maybe as you reflect on the year to this point, while you’re all cozied up on your front porch in a fall sweater, you’ll make a list of tiny acts of thankfulness that you want to do.

Maybe you want to write thank you notes too.

Or maybe you want to donate to a food bank.

Or give some clothes away (tucking notes of encouragement in the pockets).

Or write a kind “letter to the editor” to your favorite massage magazine.

Or “insert some tiny action here”.

Fall is Officially Here

It’s real. This year has kept moving, the seasons keep turning…

Despite COVID-19 and any other unbelievable challenge you’ve been thrown.

We can be conscious in how we embrace it, even though this year has likely brought many circumstances that were never hoped for…never agreed to…never signed up for.

We can embrace this next season.

And let the dimmer days in.

And wrap up in the sweaters, drink the warm tea and reflect.

And be sad when we need to.

And, balance it all with awareness + action on the beautiful things we’re grateful for.

Wishing you peace and rootedness this fall season.