Holding Space for Ourselves: Surviving COVID-19

COVID-19 rages on. How are we doing?

Some of us still aren’t seeing clients.

I’m not, for a few reasons. One is that I’m at a higher risk for COVID-19. Also, I graduated from counseling training and got licensed to practice therapy during this pandemic… creating both a time of transition and an opportunity for me to be of service in a new way.

This I know: for me, like for you, COVID-19 has touched every part of life.

This I also know: each of us holding off from providing massage has our own reasons and our own story.

Maybe you, like me, are at a higher risk for COVID-19, or maybe one of your close loved ones is. Maybe you feel overwhelmed by all the changes you would have to make to safely practice massage again. Or maybe you ultimately couldn’t keep your business open during the shut-down.

It’s complicated.

And, if you aren’t seeing clients yet, I understand that it’s not easy. Not at all.

It’s grief, actually.

After 13 years of providing bodywork full time, it felt like a huge loss to have my ability to do massage work suddenly taken away from me back in March. I grieved the loss of my ability to help others in a hands-on way. I still grieve that.

Are you grieving too?

Have you been able to honor your grief during this pause in your bodywork career?

Have others held space for you?

Have you been able hold space for yourself?

If you aren’t seeing clients yet, or you’ve decided to leave the field temporarily or permanently (as several massage therapists I respect have done), I hope you’re taking the time and space you need to grieve the losses that come with that decision.

We’ll talk more about that in a minute.

Some massage therapists are seeing clients again.

But, no doubt, things are not “back to normal”.

Not by any means.

Working with clients now means navigating masks and other personal protective equipment, taking temperatures, changing the pre-COVID-19 policies and protocols and, of course, weighing risks.

Did you ever imagine that safety and risk would factor into your massage work so much? It’s hard to get used to.

In this era of COVID-19, you may have changed your practice of massage so much, you hardly recognize it.

Some regular clients may have disappeared or decided to refrain massage. Some clients may have even passed away- without a chance to say goodbye.

The clients you are currently seeing? Many of them are likely anxious, fearful, and more stressed than ever before in their lives.

In a nutshell: the work you are doing as a massage therapist has probably drastically changed from what it was like a year ago at this time.

And whether you feel 100% comfortable being back in the massage treatment room, or whether life circumstances made it feel impossible for you to hold off on returning to bodywork, it’s hard.

This I know: for all of us, COVID-19 has touched every part of life.

This I also know: each massage therapist currently providing massage has their own reasons and their own story.

It’s complicated.

If you’re seeing clients in this age of COVID-19, I understand that it’s not easy. Not at all.

It can be grief, actually.

Grief for all that was lost during shut-down. Grief for all of the changes. Grief for the “old normal”. Grief for clients lost.

Are you grieving? Grieving the way things were?

Have you been able to honor your grief during this time of change and upheaval in your bodywork career?

Have others held space for you?

Have you been able hold space for yourself?

If so, I hope you’re taking the time and space you need to grieve the losses that come with practicing massage in this new landscape..

We’ll talk more about that next.

What is Holding Space?

I’ve mentioned “holding space” a few times. It’s one of the key concepts of Grief Massage that I talk about when training other massage therapists.

Space holding is the art of companioning someone and allowing them to be. It’s the opposite of “fixing”, controlling or dominating.

Holding space is important in a Grief Massage setting because grieving clients come to us with fragile, broken hearts. Grieving folks often feel battered by a grief-phobic world what insists they “find the silver lining”, “keep their chin up” and “move on with life.”

In other words, the outside world does a terrible job of holding space for grievers.

As Grief Massage practitioners, we learn to hold space for our clients, so we can create a safe shelter where their grief is allowed to just be.

Space holding in a Grief Massage setting looks like: greeting a client with “You made it. I’m so glad you’re here” instead of “How are you?”.

This is because “How are you?” has become a cultural phenomenon in which there is one acceptable answer no matter what: “I’m fine.” Refraining from asking “How are you?” helps create an atmosphere of no expectations for the client.

Space holding in a Grief Massage setting also looks like: not expecting clients to disrobe if they aren’t comfortable - allowing them to decide (each session) what they are comfortable with.

It looks like putting a tissue box on the ground near the head of the massage table, sending both a symbolic and verbal message that tears are welcome.

It looks like allowing clients to share without rushing in to “fix” or offer any advice.

It looks like lots of inner awareness and self-reflection for the massage therapist! After all, we are human and it’s very human to want to control, “fix” and be in charge of the situation.

I share all this to help you understand what space holding is.

I reference a book often in my trainings: “Holding Space: A Guide to Supporting Others While Remembering to Take Care of Yourself First”.

The author, Amanda Dobra Hope. describes space-holding as a feminine energy (not to imply that only women can practice it). In her view, space holding is similar to the practice of baking bread.

One can gather the ingredients but the dough must be allowed to rise on its own.

She also compares space holding to pregnancy, as ultimately there can be a period of preparation and intention, but the baby must be given the time and space to develop during gestation.

What does this have to do with our current COVID-19 situation?

Well, I want to encourage you to develop the skill of space holding for yourself right now. Not for anyone else (although it certainly will support your work with others).

I want you to think about holding space for yourself, as you navigate the grief and unasked-for change that COVID-19 has brought to your life, specifically to your massage practice.

Allowing yourself to feel how you really feel.

Regularly taking time to reflect on the grief you are experiencing (even if part of you insists that other people “have it worse”).

Letting yourself “just be”.

3 Ways to Hold Space for Ourselves Right Now

1- Write it down, let it out.

You could use a note-taking app on your phone to jot down a few sentences each day about how you are feeling: about the pause in your career (if you aren’t seeing clients) or the challenges of being a bodyworker in the era of COVID-19 (if you are seeing clients right now).

Another option is to get a notebook and write your thoughts and feelings out by hand. You might even decide to draw some pictures (I love drawing with an ink pen then using colored pencils to fill it in).

Maybe you would even like to cut photos from magazines and make a collage on the cover of your journal, to represent this time in your life.

The goal of holding space for yourself by writing is to practice acceptance of all you feel by getting it out where you can see it.

2- Create a physical container.

Sometimes space holding means creating a real physical space. For example, just as our massage treatment room is a space that holds our clients safe, we have a need for our own safe spaces too.

You may decide to clear a corner of a room, empty a bookshelf, or even find and decorate a box of some sort to create a nurturing physical space for your own grief right now.

There may be physical items you want to store in this space. If you’re no longer seeing clients, maybe it will be some of your massage supplies (i.e. lotion holsters, lotion bottles, sheets) that are housed and honored here.

If you are seeing clients, perhaps your special place could be filled with peaceful items that help you disconnect and relax after a stressful day of work (i.e. aromatherapy candles, essential oil diffusers, speakers for playing music you love).

How you carve out a physical space in your life to honor your current experience is up to you. Just don’t underestimate the value of making it tangible and real.

The goal of holding space for yourself via a dedicated physical space is to honor your feelings and make your inner needs real and tangible in the outer world.

3- Confide in someone you trust.

Wait a second, isn’t this about holding space for yourself?

Stay with me here.

Let’s consider the fact that seeking support from others is a way of honoring yourself.

As healers, we can struggle to allow ourselves to ask for help from others. We may grow so used to being in the “helping” position, that we feel uncomfortable or unworthy of receiving caring attention from others.

So, it is a huge act of courage and self-love to recognize our need to confide in others.

I believe that reaching out to others for support IS a way we can hold space for ourselves. It’s a form of recognizing our needs and taking them seriously.

I love how Brene Brown encourages us to confide in “people who have earned the right to hear our story.” This is excellent advice.

Part of space-holding for yourself is wisely choosing who you will confide in about your grief and inner feelings during COVID-19.

Is there someone in your life who can listen non-judgmentally, without a personal agenda? Who is able to refrain from giving you advice? Who can let you share and “just be?”

If so, you can ask them to hold space for you (with you) by listening.

If you are struggling to think of someone you feel comfortable confiding in right now, I encourage you to consider confiding in a professional (a counselor, minister, etc). Someone with professional training as a listener can hold space for you (with you) and can honor the thoughts and feelings you want to share.

And, if things are feeling especially difficult right now (and you feel that you are in crisis), consider reaching out for immediate support from the crisis lines I will list below.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Crisis Text Line: US and Canada, text HOME to 741741, UK text 85258, Ireland text 50808 (to connect to a crisis counselor, 24/7)