A Grief Massage Technique We Can Use for Self-Treatment: Resting Hands

Resting hands may be my favorite Grief Massage technique. And, it just may end up being one of yours too.

Right now I’m producing and recording the online version of Class 3 in my Grief Massage Training series - a class totally focused on teaching a Grief Massage sequence.

Yesterday I was working on the section about Grief Massage techniques. Specifically I was writing about resting hands. It’s the simplest, most powerful technique I know of.

The Power of Gentleness

The resting hands technique encompasses all the qualities that make Grief Massage so special:

-grounding

-safety

-compassion

-stillness

I first learned about resting hands when reading an old used massage training manual (Mosby’s Fundamentals of Therapeutic Massage 2nd ed.) which referred to the technique as “resting position”. Aside from that manual, I haven’t seen resting hands (or “resting position”) widely used in many forms of bodywork, at least not under that specific name.

Many massage therapists who take my Grief Massage training course share that the resting hands technique is totally new to them! Maybe it’s totally new to you too.

Or maybe not. Maybe you have experience in infant massage or another modality that specializes in work with vulnerable clients. Maybe you’re familiar with resting hands by another name.

Some recent internet research on my part revealed that resting hands (by that name) is a fairly common part of infant massage, especially when administered by parents. I was surprised by this at first, but it also makes a lot of sense to me.

Babies are vulnerable and sensitive to touch. For babies, a technique like resting hands likely promotes the same qualities and experiences of touch that make it valuable in a Grief Massage setting.

Soothing qualities like a sense of being held. A sensation of warmth and care.

What Does the Resting Hands Technique Consist Of?

The resting hands technique is so simple, it looks like you are doing nothing.

But, when receiving touch via resting hands, it feels like something very special.

The resting hands technique is simply holding your warm, relaxed hands on the body, with secure, confident pressure.

Holding your hands on the body this way can be a peaceful introduction to touch, or it can be a calming pause amid the use of other (more active) massage techniques.

I like to think of the resting hands technique as an expression of feminine “being” energy - an embodiment of acceptance.

By contrast, many other (more active) massage techniques like effleurage and petrissage express masculine “doing” energy - an embodiment of action and change.

Grief Massage sessions can benefit from both feminine and masculine energy. A great session can consist of gentle-yet-active techniques interspersed with periods of stillness and holding.

Imagine you are working at your client’s shoulders and back.

You apply long effleurage strokes, circling the scapula.

You gently petrissage around the the tops of the shoulder and neck and around the scapula. Then, you allow a few moments of stillness as you pause and hold your hands on your client’s back. You may place one hand at the top of their scapula and the other near the bottom of the scapula.

Or, you may place one hand near their neck and one hand at their mid-back.

While holding your hands in the resting hands position, your only intention is to communicate safety and warmth to your client’s nervous system.

You aren’t “doing” anything. You are “being” with your client, through compassionate touch.

In my experience, resting hands is one of the most important techniques that most massage therapists aren’t using.

But don’t take my word for it. Experience it for yourself.

Resting hands is a technique you can actually “get to know” by using it on yourself first.

Self-treatment with Resting Hands as a Self-Compassion Practice

I’ve come to realize that resting hands is remarkably similar to a self-compassion practice promoted by Dr. Kristin Neff, researcher and originator of the self-compassion construct.

What is self-compassion?

On her website, Dr. Neff provides a definition of self-compassion as “the same kindness and care we’d give a good friend”.

She shares a variety of practices for cultivating self-compassion, which include journaling, changing critical self-talk and using supportive touch.

For some time now, I’ve used supportive touch as recommended by Dr. Neff as part of my own self-compassion practice.

The method that has worked well for me, resting my hands over my heart, is remarkably similar to the resting hands technique.

Recently, it clicked for me that I was using the resting hands technique - on myself - whenever I engaged the self-compassion practice of supportive touch.

Wow. I’ve known that resting hands was powerful for Grief Massage clients, based on what I’ve witnessed in sessions.

When using resting hands with clients, I’ve seen breathing regulate.

I’ve seen deep sighs happen.

I’ve seen a shift toward deep relaxation.

And it really connected the dots for me to realize that many of these same things happen when I use the supportive touch practice (hands over my heart) as my self-compassion practice.

And that really got my wheels turning.

A DIY Self-Treatment Protocol with Resting Hands

What if we, as massage therapists, made an intentional daily practice of applying resting hands to ourselves?

Not only would we gain the benefits of supportive touch and relaxation…we would have a consistent opportunity to really “get to know” this technique and experience it’s subtle power.

I developed my own resting hands self-treatment protocol that I’m happy to share. It’s simple. Super simple.

Here’s what works for me:

1) Play relaxing music (I like guitar music, with prosodic tones that soothe the nervous system)

2) Lie down comfortably on a bed, massage table, sofa etc

3) Gently cup my foot (one hand on top, one hand on bottom) for a minute or so. Focus on the warmth, grounding and safety I feel. I like to actually repeat those words “Warmth. Grounding. Safety” in my head while doing resting hands.

4) Gently cup my ankle (one hand on each side) for a minute or so. Again focus on warmth, grounding and safety. Allow my resting hands to create a sense of holding and containment.

5) Gently cup my knee (one hand on each side, or one hand above and one below). Focus on warmth, grounding and safety.

6) Repeat steps 3, 4, and 5 on the opposite side foot and leg.

7) Place both resting hands over my heart, focusing on warmth, grounding and safety.

8) Place resting hands on both sides of my neck, creating a sense of holding and containment. Focus on warmth, grounding and safety.

9) Cup my cheeks with resting hands, focusing on warmth, grounding and safety.

10) Place resting hands on either side of my forehead, at my temples. Focus on warmth, grounding and safety.

11) Finish the self-treatment by cupping the crown of my head with resting hands, again focusing on warmth, grounding and safety.

For me, a few minutes spent self-treating with resting hands can stimulate relaxation, peace and a sense of rootedness.

If you try this, you may find that you prefer to choose one area for resting hands application, rather than changing positions.

Do what works for you!

If anything about self-treatment with resting hands is uncomfortable, stop. I can only vouch for how this self-treatment resting hands protocol has worked for me personally.

But, it’s my sense that a protocol like this can benefit us as massage therapists by increasing our access to relaxation through simple touch, while also teaching us about the gentle power of humble techniques like resting hands.

Learning to Use Resting Hands with Clients

As I shared at the start of this post, resting hands is a technique that can work well as part of a Grief Massage sequence. It’s a helpful way to introduce touch at the start of a session, prepare the client for transitions (such as rolling over) and to balance out more active techniques.

Since the resting hands technique is less well known than more active techniques (like effleurage or petrissage), I like to explain it to clients ahead of time, ensuring that they aren’t worried I am doing energy work or “zoning out” when holding my hands in a still position during the massage.

In Class 3: The Grief Massage Sequence, I share details on how to explain this technique to clients and how to incorporate resting hands into a Grief Massage sequence. The online version of this course will be available soon (the online versions of its prerequisites, Class 1: Grief, the Body & the Nervous System and Class 2: Grief Massage Intake and Protocols are available now.)

I hope to have the online version of Class 3 published within the next month or so…stay tuned!

In the meantime, please reach out and let me know if you currently use the resting hands technique in your practice of massage! Do you call it “resting hands” or do you know it by another name?

I’d also love to hear from you about your experiences self-treating with resting hands! Please do let me know your thoughts.

References

Fritz, S. (2000). Mosby’s fundamentals of therapeutic massage 2nd edition. Mosby, St. Louis: MO

Neff, K. (2020). Self-compassion guided meditations and exercises. Self-compassion. Online: https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#exercises