How To Set Boundaries with Perfectionism

Ugh, Perfectionism.

A few years ago I might have insisted I was not a perfectionist. “I just have high standards” I may have said.

And yes, I do have high standards. But, the past year of new motherhood has changed my perspective on “done” versus “perfect” and I am so grateful for that. Because I can now see that - yes, I was a perfectionist.

And I can also see all the ways it has held me back from fully showing up to my work in the world.

A few examples.

-It has taken me forever to release new courses (I call this “per-fact-ionism” - the need to research past the point of reason). It is excellent to present research and have proper citations but in the past I over-did it. Yes, I am admitting that. As a new mom, I do not have the time or ability to engage in “per-fact-ionism” anymore so I am learning how to intuit how many facts are just enough.

-I have not shown up on social media as consistently as I would like to due to a habit of overanalyzing photos and creating novel-length captions for my posts. (I call this “per-fix-ionism” - the need to continue tweaking and “fixing” my work past the point where it is even helpful).

I Can’t Be “Perfect”

The beautiful thing about new motherhood has been the fact that a) it’s the most wonderful and important role I’ve ever stepped into and b) there is no manual for parenting so I have to be open to making mistakes and learning.

The past year has helped me to accept imperfect and “good enough”. And, now that I am ready to step back k into my Grief Massage work after a long maternity leave… I can see that I will be a different person completely in the way I approach that work.

If I need things to be perfect - I might as well give up now! Because I will never have the time, energy or resources to endlessly research, fix, or any of the other perfectionist habits I used to engage in.

I still have high standards, I am just realizing that perfectionism is a liability - not a resource - when it comes to doing the work I want to do.

How is it for you? Are there places in your work that you know perfectionism is tying you up?

Would you feel freer to show up in the world if mistakes weren’t so scary?

Set Boundaries with Perfectionism

The phrase “set boundaries with perfectionism” came to me this week and I wrote it on my fridge. I love it.

A few days later I created a little tool for myself - “4 Steps to Set Boundaries with Perfectionism”. I used it to write this blog article in under 30 minutes! Here is what I did.

Step 1: Notice and Name It

I identified that per-fact-ionism is one of my biggest problems when it comes to writing blog posts. Just naming it makes me smile because it’s such a silly name. I wonder if you can come up with a funny name for some of your perfectionist tendencies? It definitely makes it more fun to notice them.

Step 2: Understand and Befriend It

Rather than getting mad at the part of me that is perfectionistic, I want to show kindness. After all, when I really think about it…that part is just trying to keep me safe. My Grief Massage work is important to me and per-fact-ionism is trying to protect me from making mistakes that cause me to not be taken seriously. What I did today was to light a delicious-smelling gingerbread candle that smells warm and cozy - in honor of my inner per-fact-ionist and its desire to keep me safe.

Step 3: Give it a Job

Ah, it sounds nice to banish perfectionism forever but that is not possible. I just don’t think it will happen. So, today I gave my inner per-fact-ionist a job - to keep her busy in a harmless way. Rather than taking over the whole post and trying to make it flawless - her job was to create the blog post title and the keywords. The imperfect parts of myself were then free to write this post!

Step 4: Make Tiny Mistakes on Purpose

Now this step really feels bold. I know. But, I think it builds resilience to see that we can show up imperfectly and the world won’t end. I made a spelling error in this post on purpose. Maybe you saw it. I also intentionally missplled a word on the “4 Steps to Set Boundaries with Perfectionism” infographic that accompanies this post. Fun!

It Worked!

This little tool has helped me so much today.I wrote this post in 25 minutes which is amazing for me.

I am definitely going to use these 4 steps throughout my journey back from maternity leave as I record more online courses, show up on social media, and even create new resources for massage therapists (and counselors) who work with grievers.

Please feel free to play with this tool too~ I’d love to hear from you if it helps!