Being in the Moment with Grief

The ancient philosopher Epictetus encouraged us to “Caretake this moment. Immerse yourself in its particulars. Respond to this person, this challenge, this deed.”

This is advice that resonates so strongly with me, especially when I think about the Grief Massage sessions I have offered to heartbroken humans. Without exception, the most important thing I learned through my own grief experiences and in offering compassionate touch to other grievers was that presence matters.

The Particulars of the Moment

It’s so easy to lose touch with the moment and with its particulars.

It’s so totally human and understandable to get lost in thought…mentally reviewing the situation and the heartbreaking story of the client who has come in for Grief Massage.

I would be lying if I said I never caught myself worrying about whether or not I was “helping” the client…or hoping that the massage would ease some of their suffering.

But, here’s the thing.

The times when I have been able to let go of my need to be “in control”, my need to “help”, even my need to make sense of what was happening for the client….those have been the times when I have been able to be most present, most compassionate, and (paradoxically) the most of service to my clients.

Responding to the Moment

When fully present in the moment with a grieving client, we can attune what is happening now.

We can notice subtle shifts in breath and movement.

We can respond to what we are feeling with our hands.

We can offer a quality of presence and compassion that the human nervous system truly responds to (according to the Polyvagal Theory, our own nervous system state of peace and calm presence can entrain our clients’ nervous system to relax as well).

Responding to the moment may look very simple - attending to the client’s physical comfort (room temperature, music, draping, etc) and offering attuned bodywork.

But it’s powerful stuff.

And like most deep practices, it looks deceptively simple. But it isn’t easy.

Practicing Presence

Each session with each client is an opportunity to practice and refine the ability to be present with another human, with their suffering, and to balance being of service with recognizing that our work is not to “fix” any part of what is happening for them.

How might you incorporate Epictetus’ timeless wisdom into your own work life?

I encourage you to pay attention to the ways in which you can caretake moments with your clients and to be curious and openminded about how you can respond in these sacred moments.

Can you notice the times when your mind wants to wander away from the moment?

Can you gently lead your focus back to the moment and it’s “particulars”?

What would it be like to trust the moment that much?

Feel free to email me at aimeetaylor@griefmassage.org and let me know what it’s like for you to practice this!

And if you’d like support in your work with grief and massage, check out our online classes.